Poor Baby...

My heading back to work and Raegan going to Daycare (or, as I like to call it "school" to make myself feel better) was the planned topic for today's posting. However, as fate would have it, neither of those scenarios took place.

Raegan is sick.

I'll spare you the mucusy details.

In short: fever, completely congested (imagine your air passages in your nose completely blocked, not being able to blow your nose or breathe out of your mouth), red watery eyes, and the saddest little cough in the world. After 2 trips to the Pediatrician, it has been determined that she has a virus...not a HUGE deal. At the same time, it doesn't take away from the fact that my little baby doesn't feel well and there is nothing I can really do. We just have to "let it run its course".

Meanwhile, my heart aches to see her sick for the first time...whimpering in pain...and struggling to breathe.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, because, let's face it-there are parents who deal with a lot worse than this. I know that. And I also know how blessed we are to, overall, have a healthy baby girl. My heart and prayers go out to those who have cared and/or continue to care for children suffering from a lot worse than a standard viral infection. I know that what you have dealt with is far more trying than anything I have even thought about experiencing. Bless you.

So, far be it from me to complain. It's just the first time she has been sick...and I'm going on zero sleep since Sunday night. In addition, this has all happened the day before I was supposed to go back to work.

Is it me or is that crazy? Did you read that? I was supposed to go back to work today.

Truth be told, I was in a good place before this (regarding going back to work, sending Rae to "school", etc) I didn't think that I would be, but I had been offered what I consider the best possible scenario.

Remember my very first posting when I was so shocked that we needed to get on

Waiting Lists for Pre-Schools/Daycares so early?!? You laughed (and I did too), but had we not signed up so soon, I would not have even had the opportunity to go back to work. Isn't that insane?

Out of 7 Waiting Lists that we got on, Raegan only got into ONE! Can you believe that? ONE! And, we signed up when we were 13 weeks pregnant. The DAYCARE just so happens to be my favorite and has won boo coos of awards.

I have found out since, by the way, that a large amount of couples get on Waiting Lists as soon as they get engaged. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm missing out on an opportunity to be successful in the world of childcare. I don't know the faintest thing about taking care of 1 child-much less an entire facility of them. But, hello?!?!?!? Where are all of those students I used to run into on my way to Glocker in college who were majoring in Child and Family Studies? I know you're out there. Peeps-you are leaving a lot of money on the table!

No time for details because I HAVE to get some sleep. But, let's just say this:

Once she got into this Daycare, Chuck and I made a shift in plans. I could potentially go back to work. After Raegan was born, I'm not going to lie, I had no intention of doing so.

For those who really know me, that is a bold statement for me to make. Working and being successful in business has been very important in my life. I have always been extremely driven and have wanted to accomplish a lot in the workplace. I can't really explain the void that it fills for me. But, let me just say that it's a big one. Granted, being blessed enough to stay home overpowers that; however, wouldn't it be great to have the best of both worlds?

Up until this point, I had really blocked that possibility out of my mind because, what were the chances that we'd get into our Daycare of choice (the only one I'd really consider leaving Raegan in at such a young age and going back to work)? Odds were slim. So, when we got into that Daycare, I had to make a decision...and fast. I only had a few weeks.

I knew that I couldn't leave Raegan full-time...but what about part-time?!? No way, I thought. My company rarely allows colleagues to work part-time. In this economy, I will really be pushing it to even bring up the subject. So, conversation over. No reason to even think about it. Chuck disagreed. "What do you have to lose if you just ask?" It really annoys me when he's right.

So, after much coaxing from Chuck, I decided to send my boss, who I love, love, love, and adore, an email being 100% honest. The gist? (I'm ad libbing here.)

"Hi Andrea....I love being a mom...etc etc etc...I have realized that it's the most important job for me in the world...etc etc etc...I love my job at Healthways...etc etc etc...But, I can't come back full time...etc etc etc...I will be no good to anyone if I do...etc etc etc...I would entertain, though, the possible opportunity to come back part-time etc I know that scenario is unlikely, etc I understand the position you're in, etc But, I had to ask, etc. Let me down easy.

Yours Truly, Kami"

Not really. But, you get the point.

Her response...also somewhat ad libbed:

"I will do absolutely 100% of my best to make this happen. 1/2 of Kami is better than no Kami at all."

Besides my thinking, "wow. I sure do have her fooled" ;), I was shocked that she was potentially going to try to make this happen.

THE RESULT?

She made it happen. I'm working part-time. 20 hours. 2.5 days a week.

The plan was ready. Decision made. I felt good about it. Raegan is in, what I feel is, the best Daycare/Preschool in Nashville. I have been offered the opportunity to work 20 hours a week for the company I love while doing a job that I know I'm meant to be doing. I truly believe that it will ultimately make me a better mom.

I have a schedule that allows me to be with Raegan 4 full days and then working the next day (when I probably will need a little break), then working a half day the next day, and then working a full day the next day (with knowing I will be with her for 4 full days after that). I am seriously the luckiest person in the world.

Fast forward to last week:

I send Raegan to Daycare for a few days. The goal was to get her used to her teachers, the class, etc. More importantly, I wanted to keep her first day from being the same day that I went back to work. WAY too many changes in one day.

The result of my grand idea? She got sick.

Fast forward to now:

I've come full circle with my feelings about work and staying at home. Let me invite you into my mind: "Raegan is sick because of Daycare. She's going to Daycare so I can go to work. I don't HAVE to go to work. I am being selfish. I should stay home and take care of her 100% of the time. I'm a bad mom. Am I sure I'm doing the right thing?" The list goes on...

I know, I know, I know...she's going to get sick. It is building up

her immune system. etc etc etc. But, it's only natural for me to blame this all on myself and to feel super selfish. As she feels better, I do feel more and more okay with the situation. I also feel that the "right thing" is not to give up this wonderful opportunity that I have. At the same time, I hate that my confidence in my decision has been somewhat shattered.

Please pray that I'll have peace of mind again with my decision.

I will be working half the day tomorrow while my Mother In Law watches Raegan.

PS-her fever is gone. God is good.